As I said in the previous blog, asperger's syndrome infected 19 years of my life. 19 YEARS OF MY "GD" LIFE! It was quite disappointing that I've never been aware of it. I was what I was, and my interest in the subject kicked in towards the end of 12th grade, 2 years ago. And I really started to get kicked in in my college years, when stress and the pressure to mature ate away at me. Even with encouraging friends surrounded, I was depressed 24/7. Seriously, I've NEVER been that depressed my whole life! I felt like as if I was 6-8 years behind everyone. I practice drawing objects, I hated drawing people. In-animate objects. I was good alright in the pencil shading and all that stuff. But never the less, when it came to trying to draw cartoons, I fell apart, I mean, APART. I am good with drawing the machinery. I have a whole drawing pad filled with gliders, and other airplanes. I even designed an open-class ship that could melt the Nimbus with a fingertip!
You may be asking, "Evan, why didn't you choose to study engineering rather than Creative Media?" Answer? Math and physics were not my forte's. In fact, to tell you the truth, I feel like I don't even have "genuine" forte's at all! I seem to be born to keep records and that kind of stuff and being "exact" like an architect or engineer, but my heart tended to love the creative side, music, graphic design, you name it! My brain sides are polar opposites and I'm a puzzle piece that doesn't fit in society, no matter how "normal" or "perfect" I try to be! I was a mess. I set a goal to sketch and I still went to school, crumpled with the pencil and still inconfident. I asked the teachers about it, the only answer? No one's the same.... And I was the slow one...
I was a slow learner. It took me more time to learn a piano piece, and I was frustrated for being unlucky about this. At least I was happy enough to have food on the table, clothes, and the necessary needs of everyday living. I'm scared that by the time I get to "know myself" is when I become very old. I try to rush to see what I can do about life. I needed the money to fly gliders, and MORE to buy one and get training. But if I give up and drop out of university, I would have to get a job at McDonald's or something, which is something I don't want to do. I want to make a lot of money, out of photography or graphic design. I can't drop out and I have to move on, no matter how slow I am, I'll have to live with this handicap. The handicap of being socially inept, the handicap of slow cognitive skills, I have to think in pictures rather than words. I can't memorize glider models as well if no image is involved. I have no clue if I'm going to succeed in life. I'm very pessimistic about many things, as well as suffering from anxiety. I was always stiff. Weight workouts were fine, but stretching won't help kick away the stiffness of my body. Massages were only temporarily. And everything, was just like as it is....
If I do ever get married to have a child one days, it's going to be up to an advanced geneticist to do the work. Select the best of the best DNA and give me a perfect child. A child that can read faster than lightning can strike. A child that can perform 100% with perfection, both socially and academically. A+ 's on every subject. And can make millions of dollars in the teen years.
And that is if I would ever have a child or if I would stay single, or take my own life. It's up for time to tell....
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